Dear Santa,
I hear you will be coming to town tonight...and maybe even stopping by on my rooftop. I have long understood that your anticipated visit is contingent upon my behavior this year. What's that you ask?....Was I good this year? Did I behave? Have I listened to my mother, done my chores, ate my veggies? Well, I can assure you that I have most definitely done the latter...I have surely ate well over my weight in kale, cucumbers, and spinach this year. Santa, I promise that I have listened to my momma (most of the time) and to my doctors (all of the time). I have taken my medications, cared for my radiated burned skin, and emptied my surgical drains. I have allowed my body to rest, but I've also pushed it at times when I wanted to feel like my old self again. This year I have tried to make a difference. I have volunteered my time. I have shared my story. I have spoke to thousands. I have attended conferences and meetings. I have tried to be a source of support for those newly diagnosed. I have returned to work, albeit on a (very) part time basis. I have started a small business that fuels my creative side. I have invested time, money, and energy into activities that feed my soul. I have traveled, visited friends, and tried to spend as much time as possible with those I love the most. But Santa, I have to come clean and tell you that I have not been perfect. I must admit, I have fallen off the wagon with my exercise routine. That has really been bothering me and will definitely be a priority for 2013. I have been unsuccessful at giving up my beloved Diet Coke and I'm fearful I may now be considered an "addict". And while we are on the subject of confessions, I will acknowledge to you that I am still a terribly inconsistent flosser. I have also been hard on myself this year, Santa. I have dealt with a lot of guilt, frustrations, and sadness. I have often felt lost while I try to understand how to live a life where I am not the PT that works the most hours and sees the most patients - where I am not a mother, nor will I be a "mother to be" -- I am a 30 year old woman that often feels worried sick about her husband and mother, should anything ever happen to me. I am a constant work in progress - learning how to ride these waves until the storm passes, and hoping for many days of sunshine until the next set of dark clouds start to roll in. Santa, although I am guilty of occasionally losing my patience, taking my husband for granted, or being sassy with my mom - I promise that I have tried my best to make it on your "good list" this year. I have tried to be positive and optimistic, open-minded and understanding, hopeful and grateful - each and every day. I have tried to be a good wife, daughter, sister and friend. I have tried to live each day to the fullest, to restrain myself from useless complaints, and to appreciate all of the blessings in my life and in doing so, take the focus away from the many hardships our family continues to face. So, if I may ask for just one thing this year, Santa...I am please asking (or more like begging) for a good report from my scans on January 3. I would please LOVE clean scans that show no new growth of this disease, so that I may continue to enjoy this beautiful life. That I may continue to live each day with the same quality of life that I experience now. That I can continue to strive to reach my dreams with Mike. So I can watch my friends children grow up, and so I can be here to take care of my parents one day instead of them taking care of me - that's just not the way it's supposed to work. Tomorrow morning I will wake up next to my best friend, and feel the weight of my pup at my feet, and I will smile like I do each morning. A smile of thanks for another day. As I make my way to the family room, I won't expect anything from you under the tree. I will hold out hope that the one and only gift I truly pray for will arrive next week in the form of a good report from my oncologist, Dr. F. Thank you for listening, Santa. Merry Christmas to you and to all of those that I love. xoxo, Meghan
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I'm having a tough time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I don't know why or what that's about. I think I just feel tired. I keep waiting for the day that the fatigue is gone, but it just seems like I will never feel the way I once did. Maybe I just need to come to terms with that, huh? Everyone keeps reminding me that it's normal to feel this way and that my body has been through so much - and I know all of that - it's just frustrating at times. Dr. F says that for every round of chemo you have, you can expect 1-2 months of fatigue....so, 15 rounds of chemo x 2 months of fatigue/round = 30 months! 2 1/2 years of lingering fatigue - sheesh! I know things could be worse and I don't mean to complain, there are just times where feeling this way starts to bum me out. It has been very hard to come to the realization that I just can't do things like I could before. It has hard to realize that putting in just a 6 hour work day can leave me feeling totally drained. It makes me wonder, if we were somehow able to have children one day - would I truly be able to care for them the way a good parent should? It breaks my heart a little bit to think the answer to that question might be "no". When the fatigue really sets in, he seems to bring along it's good friend "Ms. Extra Emotional". I am just feeling a little bit more emotional and anxious than normal, but I am sure that also has something to do with the stress of the holidays and the fact that my scans are coming up next week. It seems like I am feeling more nervous about my scans this time, but I am sure I have felt like this before every other round of scans too. I feel a little scared that if they don't come out good, I will blame myself and beat myself up for it. I have felt so tired lately that I haven't been working out and I haven't been cooking and juicing as often as I usually do. I have still been eating pretty healthy, but we have definitely been indulging in some treats over here. I am well versed on how diet and exercise can affect my disease, and although I don't obsess over it, I have been beating myself up about it lately. I don't want to put blame on myself if my disease does end up progressing, but right now, I am worried I might feel that way. There seems to be some misconceptions out there about what life is like once you are diagnosed with cancer - and I admit, before I was in this position, I was guilty of believing many of them. Like you have maybe a rough year or two and then your treatment is over and life is just exactly how it was before. Story over. Happily ever after. Period. Well, even though I have been blessed with good scans and haven't required changes in my treatment plan, life just isn't ever the same. There are always hurdles (big and small) that no one can prepare you for. I am guilty of thinking my friend, Meredith (who also lives with cancer) must have always been doing so great because "she looks wonderful in her pictures on Facebook". Ugh. How many times do we hear, "but you look so great" even though we might not really feel that way. Yes, I am thankful that I don't look exhausted or look like I have a throbbing back ache but that doesn't mean that those things aren't happening. We just don't post pictures on the days were we might look and feel pretty rough. I guess that's why this transition has been so difficult for me. Although I knew this wasn't going to be one battle, but rather a very long and continuous war - I must have still thought that once the initial blast of chemo/surgery/radiation was over, that I would feel perfect again. I didn't expect to battle this much fatigue for so long. I thought I would be able to work more by now. I thought I would be able to clean my house, run errands, and cook dinner without my back throbbing by the end of the day. I thought I could go back to getting 7 hours of sleep and that I would wake up feeling rested - rather than experiencing burning eyes, body aches and exhaustion from the moment my alarm goes off. I am hard on myself. I admit it. But that's just who I am. I have always held myself to high standards and have been able to accomplish anything I want - and this is a tough pill to swallow to not have any control over how this fatigue continues to plague me. Does it completely limit me and diminish my quality of life - no, definitely not. I continue to be busy and fill up my social calendar like crazy because I refuse to just lay down and hibernate. But, it's frustrating nonetheless. I know I have said this many times, but I am truly BEYOND thankful for Mike. The bottom line is that I couldn't do this without him. When my back hurts, he massages it. When I am exhausted, he grocery shops, cleans the house, does the laundry, cooks dinner. When I am beating myself up emotionally, he reminds me to be gentle with my broken heart and spirit. He is everything to me. I also want to give a little extra thanks to a few of my amazing friends. You know who you are -- the ones that shoot me a quick text to see how things are going or to say they are praying for me, the ones that make the effort to make plans so we can spend time together, the ones that let me talk their ears off on the phone or when we get together - even if it's about sad things like this damn disease. I truly feel so blessed to have such amazing, inspiring, and thoughtful friends in my life. Please keep my family and I in your prayers this next week as I head in for my scans on Wednesday morning. It will no doubt be a bit stressful, but I pray that we are learning to navigate these waters with a little less anxiety and fear than we have in the past. I won't get my results until January 3rd. I could have tried to get them earlier before Dr. F goes on vacation, but I wanted to enjoy the holidays without the fear of bad news. So, please pray that we are too overcome with the holiday spirit and joy of being surrounded by family and friends to worry about these results. Thank you for your continued love and support. xoxo, Meghan Addendum 12/14/12 - After going back and reading this post, I just want to add that I do feel very good most of the time. And, I don't mean to complain. It just so happens that I usually feel the urge to blog when I am a little bit emotional. It always helps to release my feelings and emotions this way but I hate to sound like I am complaining so much. I am grateful that I feel as good as I do and that I have a great quality of life - despite the annoyance of the fatigue. Thank you for understanding and bearing with me as I try to relay the realities of what my life is really like, while also expressing my gratitude for the many blessings that I know I have. And because a post is always better with pictures....a quick glimpse into my recent happenings over the last couple of weeks, courtesy of my lovely iPhone.... As we settled into bed on Wednesday night, I pulled out my trusty pink notebook that has been my constant companion since last March. "Okay, time to put our list together", I said to Mike. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my oncologist and per our usual ritual in the Malley house, we generated our list of questions and concerns for Dr. F the night before.
"Make sure to tell Dr. F that my last surgery was May 4th...tell him I just saw Dr. M on Monday and he gave me the green light to exercise my arms...I am back to work and it's going well...still bruising a lot, so how does blood work look?" And before Mike drifted off to sleep, he reminded me for about the 100th time, "please make sure to talk to Dr. F about your back." Ah yes, my back. The one thing that has been a trouble maker from the start. This is the area we have worried about from Day #1 when a questionable little spot appeared on those first diagnostic tests. I was heading into this appointment on my own this time so Mike made me promise that I would be honest with Dr. F about my increased back pain and the symptoms I have been having lately. So, I shared with Dr. F that I feel about 80 years old when I wake up in the morning. That my entire back feels achy and so incredibly stiff. I told him that I experience a dull achy pain throughout my thoracic and lumbar spine at the end of most days. And, I shared with him the terrifying and excruciating pain I experienced on Tuesday when I had severe muscle spasms throughout my paraspinal muscles while sitting at my desk at work. I haven't experienced spasms like that since last fall and it is just about the most painful thing I have ever felt. BUT, I also explained to Dr. F that I have been doing a lot more lately. I have been at the gym more, I have been busy with lots of photo sessions that require me to get in all sorts of goofy positions while photographing children. I told him that I have also been spending hours and hours on end at my desk editing my photographs and learning how to run a business. I told Dr. F that although my family has often suggested I get an MRI done, I don't have any interest in having my scans completed any earlier than originally scheduled. I explained that I have been looking forward to feeling "normal" and enjoying this summer without worrying about test results. Unfortunately, Dr. F really didn't see eye to eye with me on my whole "ignorance is bliss" theory. He decided to move my scans up so we can see what's going on. Logically, I am thankful that he is so attentive and proactive, but right now I am just feeling sad, scared, and anxious. Just when life was starting to feel more normal again, now I have to worry about this. It is so difficult to live this way - to feel all sorts of aches and pains and always have to wonder, is the disease causing this pain? Has my medication stopped working? Does this mean the cancer is spreading? It leads you down a dark and awful path to "Worryville." There is not a doubt in my mind that the psychological and emotional aspects of living with cancer far outweigh the physical ones. The roller coaster of emotions is just relentless and the hardest part is knowing that I will never be able to get off this awful ride. The timing seems like it couldn't be worse. My closest friend with metastatic BC just found out a few days ago that she has had a serious progression of her disease, after being stable with no evidence of disease for the past year. She has been scanned every three months and it's absolutely terrifying to me to think that so much can change in such a short period of time. It has been so hard to think of what she is going through and watch her grieve this news, and experience all of those emotions that we both felt when we were first diagnosed...fear, worry, doubt, doom, disbelief. I can't help but put myself in her shoes and wonder if I will have a similar fate. Will we have to start a new treatment plan? Will I have to have chemo again? Will my quality of life be as good if I am on a new medication with different side effects. I try so hard not to worry, but it is nearly impossible to not have these thoughts race through your mind. I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I would have until the end of August to have my "scanxiety" kick in and all of a sudden, it's upon me. I couldn't stop crying last night and feeling overwhelmed and scared. Today, I am still feeling a little down but I am trying to be very hopeful and optimistic that everything is fine, but all the "what if's" are terrifying nonetheless. I am begging for your prayers. Prayers that my spine is just as healthy (if not healthier!) than it was when I was scanned in February. Prayers that my current medication is still working and I can maintain my good quality of life. Prayers that the aches and pains subside in my back and that it is simply a result of increased activity. And especially, prayers to help me remember that every day is a blessing - that I am able to remain grateful - and that I am not consumed by fear and doubt. Thank you so much! I will be having my full body bone scan and spine MRI on July 2, followed by a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT on July 6. I will have to wait until July 12 to see Dr. F for my results since he is only at my clinic on Thursday's. I will definitely keep you all posted. xoxo, Meghan ps - please keep my stepdad, Doug and his siblings in your prayers as well. Doug lost his sweet and thoughtful dad last night, after leading a wonderful life for 95 years. I know this will be an extra difficult Father's Day for them this year. Thank you for being a great father figure, Doug. Happy Father's Day to you! And Happy Father's Day to my wonderful father in-law, Mike. We are so grateful you are feeling better. Love you! Could you hear the sound of my huge exhale this morning?! I think I let out the biggest, loudest sigh of relief I have ever experienced in my life. The scan results were great - thank you God! I am so grateful, so relieved, so over the moon with hope and optimism.
Leading up to this day, I had been feeling an odd sense of calm about these results. Of course there was a part of me that was nervous, but it was different this time. I felt such a sense of peace and faith that no matter what Dr. F told us, it would be okay. If the results weren't what we hoped, we would figure out a new path and continue to travel down it with just as much determination as we have up to this point. But then my back started hurting a little bit - and the nerves started to set in a little. My back had been feeling great but it started to feel a little more achy and stiff the past few days and I started thinking, "oh my God, is this a sign that it has spread throughout my bones?" Mike reminded me that we spent many hours sitting in uncomfortable conference chairs in New Orleans and then walked 5 or 6 miles a day as we explored the Big Easy. But, I couldn't help but worry that it was a bad omen. Even still, I felt good this morning - I felt calm and pretty relaxed heading into my appointment. That was until Dr. F walked into the room. Last time, he walked right in and said, "your scans look good". Boom - good news right off the bat - then I could breathe. Well, this time he walked in looking more serious than normal. Immediately, I looked over at Mike and felt worried. He proceeded to ask me about my symptoms and how I was feeling...why is he asking me this first? Does that mean things are worse? What isn't he saying? He then asked about New Orleans and we chatted about the conference, he did a full physical exam and it wasn't until about 8 hours later (or so it seemed) that he finally sat down on his stool and said, "the scans look good". AHHHHH.....I can breathe! And then the floodgates opened. I couldn't help but cry - for the first time ever, I cried in front of one of my doctors. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of gratitude. Overall, the scans showed no new evidence of disease. The medications I am taking are continuing to keep the cancer under control and prevent the further spread of the disease. The spots that have been visible on my spine continue to show evidence of healing. I can continue to stay the course and keep doing what I am doing. THANK YOU GOD! Thank you to all of you for your continued prayers, cards, emails, texts, etc. I truly believe in the power of prayer and I feel so blessed to have hundreds of people around the country (and some even around the world), praying for me and my family and sending us positive thoughts and well wishes. I can never say enough how much it means to us. I am not only celebrating this news with Mike and my mom, Doug and Jeff - but with my extended family, my friends, and each and every one of you that has followed my journey and kept me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much! Life is good - have a wonderful day and take some time to be grateful for all the blessings in your life! xoxo, Meg ps - I haven't had time to go through all my pics from the conference and New Orleans yet. I took over 500 of them! But here are a few quick shots from my iphone :) We had a wonderful time in New Orleans and I can't wait to tell you more about it soon! Let the "scanxiety" begin....ugh, it's that dreaded time of year when I get all my scans redone. I try very hard to remain calm, optimistic and hopeful - but let me tell you, it's pretty tough. I have come to realize that this scanxiety is something that will never go away. It doesn't matter how many times I have a good scan - the worry, doubt and fear all come creeping back in when it's time to be scanned again. Although I like to focus on how wonderful it will feel to get news that I am still in remission, that I can stay on my current treatment regimen, and that everything I have been through is paying off - I can't help but be terrified of the alternative. That the cancer is active again, that it's spread, that my medicines are no longer effective, that it's infiltrated my liver or brain. My wonderful friend Meredith has taught me to try to think of the worst possible scenario and how I would handle that, and what would our plan be. That way, it takes away some of the fear of the unknown and you can try to help prepare yourself in some way should that be the news you receive. I have been spending some time thinking about this lately and trying to think about how my life could once again change in an instant when Dr. F delivers my scan results. Would I have to start chemo again? Would I need more radiation? Do I need to start new medications? What would the side effects of those be? Do I need to look into clinical trials? Last night as Mike and I laid in bed, I asked him that very question -"What would we do if the results show it has spread?" His response is just another example of why I am so blessed to have him love me. Without hesitation, he simply stated, "We would do anything we had to do to get you better." Over the course of these past 11 months, I have been slowly adjusting to living a life with cancer. I have come to understand that I will deal with this disease and its effects in one way or another for the rest of my life. Fine - no problem - I can do that. I just want to remain stable. I pray that the disease is still stable, and that I can continue living my life as I am right now. Aside from a few minor things, I have very little side effects with my current treatment plan. I feel good about 90% of the time. I am enjoying being back at the gym and back to yoga classes. I look forward to returning to my job after my next surgery. I am able to travel and spend time with family and friends without worrying too much about how my body will hold up. So, I can't help but worry about these upcoming results changing all of this for me. I used to say, "okay, I have cancer but hopefully I won't lose my hair", and then it went to "okay, I have to lose my hair but maybe I won't have to lose my breasts." Then it once again changed to, "well, I have to lose my breasts but please just let me still be able to have children." Sadly that statement was forced to transform once again into, "well, I can't have children but please just let me be stable and lead a long life with Mike." And of course "stability" is what I truly want - if I can't be cured (although I do still believe in miracles!), then I pray for stability - for a long, long time. But it all truly boils down to one thing - I can (and have) given up so, so much - and I would gladly do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would allow me to lead a long and happy life with the people I love. But you see, no one can make such promises. None of us know what our future holds and how much time we have. The difference is that I never used to worry about dying before - I took it for granted that not everyone is afforded a long and healthy life like I assumed I would have. So, I have to make the conscious decision to try to release the worry and fear and give it up to God because I am not the one in control. All I can do is continue to live each day to the fullest and be grateful for each day. With that said, I would sincerely appreciate as many prayers, healing thoughts, and uplifting words as you can possibly share right now. These times are very tough- not only myself, but for Mike, Mom, Doug and Jeff as we all anxiously await the results. Please pray that this disease is still in remission, that my spine is healing, that my organs are free and clear of disease, and that our anxiety and worry doesn't consume us while we wait for the results. My tests are scheduled for this Tuesday and Wednesday and we won't receive the results until the following Thursday, which is March 1st. You have no idea how much your prayers, thoughts, and comments help lift us up and keep our spirits high during these times! Thankfully, Mike and I will have a great distraction from my scan results. We leave for New Orleans on Thursday morning! We are actually going to attend a breast cancer conference but we will have plenty of extra time to just enjoy the city on our own. We are such great travel partners and always have the best time when we are exploring somewhere new with each other. Exactly one year ago was the last trip we took by ourselves when we visited Seattle just a few weeks before I was diagnosed. Check out some images from our trip here. We had the best time and I am sure New Orleans will be no different! Friday evening through Sunday morning we will be attending the Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer. Young women under the age of forty come from all over the world to attend this conference. There are excellent guests speakers, many of which are leading researchers in the field of breast cancer. There are numerous break out sessions dealing with everything from integrative medicine, an update on the latest metastatic research, and even sessions solely for male caregivers. We are both looking forward to learning a lot and I also hope to meet other young women with metastatic disease such as myself. Of course, we will find plenty of time for some beignets at Cafe du Monde, grabbing a great cajun meal, and checking out the sites of the French Quarter. We are really looking forward to it. Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and prayers for my upcoming tests - I will be sure to update the blog next week once I get the results!
xoxo, Meghan This week has been filled with all sorts of up's and down's which has led to this post being delayed a bit. It seemed like every time I would sit down to write, I would feel a certain way and when I would come back to finish it later, I would be feeling a completely new set of emotions and delete everything I had previously typed. So, where to start?... We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, followed by a great weekend in Chicago to celebrate our friend Mike's wedding. We had a really fun weekend and it was nice to catch up with some old friends that we don't get a chance to see too often. On Monday, I headed back to see Dr. M (my plastic surgeon) and after one more fill of my tissue expanders, he gave me the okay that we could be done with this step so I could move on to radiation. So, come Wednesday morning I was back at Karmanos for a couple hours getting all geared up to start this next leg of the journey. I met with Dr. R (my radiation oncologist) for awhile to talk about how I have been doing post-surgery, and to go over all the potential risks and side effects of radiation. Oh you know, just the unavoidable scarring down of up to 1/3 of my right lung, potential demineralization of my ribs putting me at risk of fractures, possible rupture of my tissue expander, lymphedema, fatigue, and burning/scarring of my skin...just to name a few. No biggie, just another day in the life of a cancer patient...being constantly faced with choices that bring uncertain and potentially dangerous outcomes no matter which way you go. Radiation brings many risks, but I feel that lingering cancer cells pose an even greater risk...therefore, the choice is to let the radiation begin! I will have radiation treatments every single day (Monday through Friday) starting this Monday, all the way through the end of January. However, we have decided to hold off on radiating my spine at this point. This is a much more dangerous area of the body to radiate, and a place that we don't want to radiate unless we really have to. Right now, I am not really having symptoms of back pain due to my cancer. I have an achy and sore back most days, but it is more due to deconditioning and fatigue, rather than the metastases. So, for now we will wait and see how I feel and if the time comes when pain becomes a bigger issue, maybe we will radiate. After meeting with Dr. R, I headed in for my CT simulation. This is when my radiation therapist and Dr. R used a CT machine to determine the exact location and size of the area to be treated. After a bunch of different marks and assessments, I received 4 permanent little blue tattoos to mark where the radiation beam would be directed at each of my treatments. My right chest wall will be the area radiated, so I now have one small tattoo under my right collarbone, one over my sternum, one near my waist on my left side and the last one near my waist on the right side. After this procedure was over, I received my usual monthly injection of Zoladex (the one that suppresses my ovary function), and also received my first injection of Xgeva, which is a bone strengthener that I will be getting every month from now on. Needless to say, when I left Karmanos on Wednesday afternoon, I truly felt like a human pin cushion. Last Wednesday night, Dr. R called me which made me a little nervous to say the least. Luckily, all she wanted to tell me was that I needed to have some of the saline removed from my left breast so that it wouldn't interfere with the angle of the radiation beam. I knew that some of the fluid may need to be removed but I was completely shocked after leaving Dr. M's office on Thursday afternoon when they removed nearly half of the saline from my tissue expander. I had a "little" meltdown in my car while driving home - for the first time, I truly felt so sad about how I looked. I worked so hard to tolerate the quick expansion of my expanders and I felt that all of the discomfort I went through was for nothing. Now I am left with this stretched out skin and a deflated looking breast and it was just an emotional moment for me. I didn't realize how different it would look after having 150 cc's removed and for whatever reason, I just lost it. I rarely complain about all of the things my body has had to go through - how I have been poked, prodded, cut up and stretched. I know that it is not the biggest deal in the great scheme of things. But the simple fact is that sometimes it's just a lot to take. I know my dissatisfaction with the way I now look will only be temporary but sometimes I just need to let myself be upset and then I can move on and get over it. Thankfully, immediately after pulling myself together from that appointment, I left to pick up my wonderful friend Meredith and we headed to our support group meeting. I always feel better after going to those meetings and it was just what I needed that day. We had five new people attend this time and I am grateful for the love and support each person brings to the group. Friday I visited many of my old co-workers at the Rehab Institute of Michigan and it totally made my day to see them. I am grateful for the time I spent working there and the friendships I made because many of these women continue to be my biggest supporters as I go through this battle. The real part of this week that has weighed heavily on my heart is hearing the news that a special friend of mine is not doing too well. This is a friend I have met along this journey, who is also battling cancer. We have so many crazy connections and similarities (not to mention we were born on the same day!), and she was diagnosed with advanced cancer just about a month after me. I have spent much of this week worrying about her, praying for her, and trying to remain positive about my own health while being faced with the devastating reality of what this disease can do to a vibrant, beautiful 29 year old woman like her. If you could please say some extra prayers for my friend and her family. Prayers for healing, decreased pain, strength, and peace as she bravely continues this fight. I would really appreciate it. This upcoming week will be another busy one filled with daily radiation appointments, the start of therapy for my chest muscles and shoulders, holiday shopping, and a few special events in the evenings too. Please keep me in your prayers, because I know they are helping me each and every day. Although I make sure to enjoy each day and I am very optimistic about my future, it doesn't mean that there aren't daily struggles and it is your love, support and prayers that help me through those times. xoxo, Meg Loved spending time with some of my favorite ladies the night before Thanksgiving All dolled up with my handsome husband at Mike and Noreen's wedding! ....ps-can you tell the hair is starting to take on a life of it's own?! My beautiful friend Julie and her husband Joe were at the wedding too - so glad we were able to spend some time in Chicago together. Love you, Poo!
We finally received the good news we were praying for! Thank you, Lord!!! And thank you to all of you, our amazing family and friends for your non-stop prayers and well wishes - it definitely paid off! I am totally wiped out from an extremely long and exhausting day, so hopefully I include all of the important details. We had long appointments with both Dr. F and Dr. B today which meant we were at doctors offices from 9:45am until 3pm with a one hour break for lunch in the car while driving. It's all worth it though, for such great news! We met with Dr. F first and he informed us right away that the test results looked great! He said that the CT, MRI, and bone scan showed the following... --breast tumors demonstrate significant shrinking --axillary lymph nodes demonstrate shrinking --there is evidence of healing in the bone throughout my spine --no new evidence of disease! BOOYAH! (okay, not exactly Dr. F's words) Overall, this was the best possible news we could have received and we couldn't be more relieved and thankful! I am so grateful that these past five months of chemo haven't been for nothing, and that the cancer is actually responding well. Dr. F was very pleased and said that we are definitely headed in the right direction. He said that the imaging studies will always show abnormalities throughout my thoracic spine where there has been cancer, but now there appears to be evidence of healing. He even said that I may not have to have radiation to my spine, which would be wonderful! The rest of my appointment with him consisted of formulating our plan of where we go from here. So, here's the latest... --start hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) - a daily oral medication which will interfere with the activity of estrogen, which is what is feeding my cancer --start Zoladex - a monthly injection to suppress my ovary function. This will shut down my ovaries and stop them from making estrogen so that the tumors cannot get the estrogen they need to grow. This also means MENOPAUSE! Just another "perk" of having the big C. ;) Who would have thought I would start menopause at the age of 29?! --after surgery, start Denosumab - a monthly injection to strengthen my bones and try to protect them from further damage due to metastasis So, today I started the Tamoxifen and received my first injection of Zoladex - a humungous needle which is injected into my abdomen = fun times! I will have a follow up appointment with Dr. F in 6 weeks and will be re-scanned every 6 months at the absolute latest - it could be earlier than that if I am having any new symptoms or concerns. After a collective high five between Mike, Mom and I, we nearly skipped out of Karmanos and headed over to Beaumont to meet with Dr. B. After a physical exam and review of my imaging results, Dr. B also informed us that she was very pleased with my progress. She said that she didn't expect my cancer to respond so well to the chemo since it normally responds best to the hormone therapy. We met with Dr. B for at least an hour, discussing all the details of the surgery, what I can expect, and what recovery will be like. Dr. B's wonderful nurse, Linda then used this great new device to take some measurements of my arms in order to compare them to post-op measurements to track any possible lymphedema. Lastly, we finally set our date for surgery. Friday, October 14 is the big day for the bilateral mastectomy. I am definitely nervous about it but happy to finally have a plan and know when it will be. This will give me some time to get my energy level and blood counts back up since they are still pretty low due to chemo. So, that's the latest and greatest news! More upcoming appointments on the horizon are... --meeting with Dr. M my plastic surgeon on October 3 for final preparations before surgery and the start of the reconstruction process --meet with another new team member, Dr. R who is a physical medicine and rehabilitation doc at Beaumont to take more pre-op measurements and assessments. He will also be the one to let me know what my restrictions after surgery are and when I can start physical therapy in order to get my range of motion back in my arms....good thing I have some connections to some awesome PT's :) --meet with another new team member, Dr. R who will be my radiation oncologist. I will meet with her before surgery to discuss our plan for radiation to my right breast and chest wall, and possibly my spine. Radiation will start about 4-6 weeks after surgery. As you can see, it's going to be a long road ahead. But what better motivation to forge ahead than receiving such terrific news, like I did today! I can't thank you enough for being there for me - for all of the texts, phone calls, emails, blog posts, and facebook messages I received in the last couple of days. It truly makes me feel better to know that I have so many people praying for me - you guys are the best! Keep the prayers coming because we still have a long way to go. But for now, I will bask in this great news. For the next five weeks, I am going to focus much of my attention on trying to regain my energy, slowly begin exercising again, and taking the absolute best care of myself in anticipation of surgery. And you know I will also be mixing in fun times like this Saturday at the U of M game (thanks Aunt Clare!), a friends wedding, taking my hubby to a great concert, many birthday parties, strutting my stuff in a charity fashion show, our fundraiser on September 25, trips to the cider mill...and much more! Thanks again everyone! And thank you God for answering our prayers! xoxo, Meghan In honor of the coming of my favorite season, here are some fall pics from a wonderful trip to the U.P a couple of years ago... Big birthday celebrations are not really his thing. He hates to be the center of attention and never seeks out the limelight. But on this one day of the year, my fabulous husband begrudgingly allows me to spoil him and give him some extra special attention, which he most definitely deserves. Mike would not be a happy camper if I went on and on about how much I adore him, how much he means to me, and what an impact he has had on my life over the last 12 years...see above sentence regarding his discomfort with extra attention. ;) And with my gift of gab, you all know what I really want to do is just that...write sentence after sentence after how incredible he really is. But the thing is, I don't even need to do that. Most of you that are following our journey, know Mike personally...and to know him, is truly to love him. Period. So, as one last birthday gift to my amazing husband, I will not gush about him - I will simply say that we had a wonderful time last Thursday celebrating his birthday. We had a very special and meaningful day together reminiscing about the past, dreaming of the future, and enjoying time with our family and friends. Happy birthday to my very best friend - can't wait to celebrate many more together! The time has now come to round up the troops in order to bombard the heavens with prayers and good vibes. A CT scan of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis is scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning. Then on Tuesday morning I have an MRI of my thoracic spine followed by a full body bone scan. This is the first time I will have these scans done since I was diagnosed back in March. I have been so busy lately that it doesn't seem like I have had too much time to worry about these tests. But, I am wondering if subconsciously, I am more stressed about it than I thought. For the past week or two, I have been waking up at least 4 times each night, and have had difficulty sleeping for more than 2 hour increments. I wake up in the morning feeling like a zombie, with a sore jaw on top of that from grinding and clinching my teeth. I am really hoping that it's just due to anxiety and it will resolve after these scans are completed. Repeating these tests is obviously scary, stressful, and overwhelming for a lot of reasons - one of which is because it brings me right back to the first few days and weeks of this entire ordeal. What a terrifying time that was for us. This time around I know what to expect, which definitely helps - but I don't think the fear and worry will ever go away. For the rest of my life I will be monitored by scans, tests and blood work and the truth is that as positive as I may be, I will always be terrified of what could happen. The reality is that things could always be worse, the scans could always show progression, and we could once again be faced with devastating news. I pray this is not the case, but I feel that preparing for the worst has helped me deal with whatever may come my way. Early on in this journey, Dr. F explained to us that because my cancer is driven by estrogen, the hormone therapy I start after chemo will actually be my best weapon against this disease. Although we all agreed to start with chemo to try to contain the spread of the disease systemically, it is actually the hormone therapy I will start next that we will expect the greatest results from. With that said, we are prepared that these scans may not show any big changes since chemo started. And that is okay! The key is that we don't want to see any spread of the disease. If I have remained stable, that is good news to us - and if there does show a decrease in the tumor size or spread, that is icing on the cake! I will finish (yes, I said FINISH!!!!) chemo this Thursday, September 1. I can't believe how fast these 15 rounds have flown by. I have some mixed emotions about wrapping up with chemo - it is my routine now, I know what to expect, I feel comfortable there, I know how I will feel afterwards, I know everyone and everyone knows me. But, I also know that it's time to move on to the next hurdle and get on with the show. We leave for Florida with Mom and Doug super early on Friday morning. Yay! Our wonderful friends, John and Paul have invited us to spend Labor Day weekend at their beautiful home in Fort Lauderdale. We are definitely excited for an "end of chemo celebration" which will include sunshine, sandy beaches, and visiting with lots of friends! Not only will we get to stay with John and Paul but we will see one of my mom's best friends, Sally - one of our biggest cheerleaders and supporters! Then later in the weekend, we are meeting up with Brin, Andy and Andrew again!!! We are meeting them in West Palm Beach, along with Brin's wonderful parents, and I am so happy we get to see them again so soon. I am really looking forward to a little getaway to mark the end of a huge chapter of this journey. Next week will bring the official start to the school year and Mike will be back at work full time. I know we are both a little nervous about it, but I am confident it will all work out just fine and I will be okay fending for myself at home. :) Mike is such an incredible teacher and he absolutely loves his job, so I am happy that he will be back in the classroom. I am so grateful to the Waterford Kettering administration and staff for being so amazing and allowing me to have my husband with me each and every day these past five months - I don't know what I would have done without him there with me and I am so appreciative to each of you that allowed that to be a reality for us. A week from Thursday (on September 8), we will go see Dr. F to find out the results of this weeks tests. That will be a major appointment where we will discuss the next part of our game plan and figure out where we go from here. I am definitely having surgery, but there are also a lot of other treatments we may begin right away in the form of oral medications. Later that afternoon, I will also go see Dr. B at Beaumont to discuss final surgery plans and hopefully set the date for my mastectomy. Wow, just typing all of that makes me feel exhausted - let alone going through it. Please keep me in your prayers this week - if you do already, maybe you could throw in a few extras. Please pray that the 4+ months of chemotherapy have stabilized this disease, that my healthy cells have continued to fight, and that my bones have remained strong and stable. Please pray that my incredible doctors and medical team continue to seek the most comprehensive and aggressive treatments available, that they are able to guide us along a healing path, and that they continue to push for more research and discovery for metastatic disease. Please pray that my family and I are able to ease our minds, calm our fears, and stay positive and hopeful throughout the many days of waiting for my test results. I will definitely update everyone next week after our appointments. Until then, I want to pass along a moving and inspirational short film to all of you. It was shared with me by an amazing woman I have met that is also battling metastatic breast cancer. It is a powerful message regarding living with metastatic disease and I plan on playing it over and over again when I need a little boost. Please click here to read a short interview with the film's creator, and be sure to watch the 15 minute movie at the bottom of the page when you have time. Have a great week and a happy Labor Day celebration. A special congratulations to my friend, Stacy! Sorry we are missing your big day - can't wait to see pictures. You will be a beautiful bride! xoxo, Meghan So far we officially know one thing for certain...we all hate waiting for these results! Waiting is just so frustrating and as much as we try to distract ourselves - it's always there, looming in the back of our heads. The alarm went off at 5:20am and we headed to Beaumont for the MRI and lymph node ultrasound and biopsy. My yoga instructors at the Yoga Shelter would be pleased to know that I practiced my deep breathing techniques while in the MRI machine :) If you haven't had a breast MRI before, you are actually on your stomach, face down. At first, this made me feel even more claustrophobic, but it actually ended up being okay and I tried to just relax and try to sleep. Yeah right, it's so loud in there! Truth be told, when the loud noises started, I pretended I was playing video games in my head! haha! I envisioned Jeff and I playing Atari like the good ole' days. Whatever works, right?! The lymph node ultrasound showed two enlarged lymph nodes that were extremely vascular and the radiologist debated back and forth whether she should do the biopsy or not because of fear of too much bleeding. I was like, "listen lady, I need to get these results so put some compression on there and let's get this party started. And the bruising...that's the least of my concerns!" Okay, so I am kidding and didn't really say it like that - but in so many words. They are all terrified of how much I will bleed because everything is so vascular and if you saw what my breast looks like after that biopsy...well, you would understand why. The biopsy was pretty uncomfortable and tricky for the doctor because my lymph nodes sit very high up in my armpit and the two in question are right behind my pec muscle. They ended up taking four samples, and I will have those results within the next 2-3 days. For now - no working out, no lifting, no walking the dog, no nothin'! I actually smirked and sorta laughed when the nurse said that. When she questioned me about my reaction, I informed her I am a physical therapist and heading back to work for the next three days where I work with all neurologically impaired patients - many of which require me to physically transfer them. Needless to say, work will be pretty interesting as I navigate my way around how I am going to give the best care to my patients, while also taking care of myself. After about 4 hours at the hospital we headed home and Mike & I spent the rest of the day trying to relax and catch up on our sleep. Wrigley is loving that his mom & dad are spending so much time at home these days and has become an even bigger cuddle bug - all 85 pounds of him! I finally heard from Dr. B (my surgeon) about an hour ago with the CT results. Some good news, some questionable news. The CT scan did show the two enlarged lymph nodes that we already had biopsied this morning. It also showed a "suspicious" area at my T12 level of my spine. That means the twelfth and final thoracic vertebrae before the lumbar vertebrae begin. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/imagepages/1116.htm Dr. B said that it could be nothing...or it could be a metastasis. Which means the cancer has spread from my breast to my spine = bad news. So let's pray that this spot they see is nothing. http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Sites-Types/metastatic Dr. B said that because I already have cancer, any suspicious areas will definitely be noted and full follow up will be required. Dr. B is calling us back at some point to let me know if this means an MRI of my spine, or a biopsy. Ugh-spinal biopsy does not sound like a walk in the park but I guess I need to get used to being pretty uncomfortable. The good news is that the rest of the CT scan looked crystal clear...so thank you all for your prayers because I am pretty sure they helped :) Oh, we also found out the exact type of cancer cell is what is referred to as "estrogen positive". This is actually a good thing because it means that it will respond well to hormone therapy. After my surgery and chemo, I will be on hormone therapy for 5 years. I don't know a ton about this but I know everyone says this is a good thing - and that's all I need to know right now. I will take any good news I can get at this point. Thank you again for your blog messages, texts, emails, phone calls, flowers, food, thoughts, and prayers! We are seriously beyond blessed to have you all in our corner! Off to go have some yummy leftovers from our mexican dinner Saturday night with some of our very best friends, Katie & Justin. For all of you that know them, you know it was a perfect way to spend Saturday night --laughing to the point that my stomach hurt :) It was exactly what we needed. Hope everyone's week is off to a good start! "Talk" to you all soon! xoxo, Meghan Beaumont does a great job of giving you a ton of information and in a very organized binder. They put all of your info and resources into this nice canvas pink tote. As nice as it is, I immediately felt like it was a billboard saying, "Hey everyone, I have cancer!" So, as soon as I got home last Thursday, I switched everything to my cute green bag and now feel less like a patient, and a little more stylish while I go to all my appointments :) I won't publicly embarrass my mom on here about what she called this pink bag, but feel free to ask her yourself sometime if you want to make her laugh:) This is my new mantra...every day is a blessing! Because although I have always tried to be a positive person, those five words have an entirely new meaning to me now. Every day that I get to look into those stunning blue eyes of Mikes, every day I get to fall asleep beside him & wake up next to him, every day that I get to hear my mom tell me she loves me, and every day that I get through (whether good, or bad), is a total and complete blessing. Before I get into the latest update, let me say THANK YOU!!! You guys are AH-MAZING! I am so happy that I started this blog because it means the world to me to read your messages. I feel the love and support pouring through and it makes me smile so big and I love you guys so much. Mike and I are so blessed to have so many people love and care about us and it really means more to me than you will ever know. So keep it comin' :) I want to also say that I am going to be completely truthful on this blog. It makes me feel better to get it all out there, whether it's good or bad. So buckle up kids because I think it's going to be a pretty long and bumpy ride. So, Thursday was a long day spent at the hospital & really just involved a lot of talking and getting familiar with how this whole process is going to work. We met with my surgeon, Dr. B and she explained the initial biopsy results. Although we don't know a lot yet, I'll be honest when I say that it wasn't encouraging. She said that I have Invasive Lobular Breast Cancer - I would provide a link about this but I have made an official promise to myself that I WILL NOT be searching anything on the internet. It will only freak me out and I would rather just focus on what my doctors are telling me. Anyways, this form of cancer makes up about 10% of all breast cancers and it is more common in younger women. Dr. B said it is "very sneaky and very hard to detect". My heart sank when she said she suspects it was there the entire time when I had an ultrasound and mammogram in January 2010. That was a tough pill to swallow. The biopsy tissue is rated on a scale of grade 1, 2 or 3 from least to most aggressive. This is different than actual staging of the cancer. My cancer has been rated a 3. This lobular form of cancer, and the fact that I am so young, tends to mean this thing is going to be aggressive. I am not going to lie - it is scary. But, we will just be aggressive right back...and I am pretty sure you all know that I have no problem being aggressive:) Apparently, this cancer doesn't realize that I am a red-headed, Irish, Aries with a fiesty and stubborn spirit and I don't back down easily! We also discussed many things such as where I should be treated...Beaumont, Karmanos, Henry Ford, U of M...so many choices and so many opinions- it can get overwhelming. The great thing is that my surgeon at Beaumont used to work at Karmanos up until 2 years ago so she has a lot of great insight. We really like her and feel comfortable with her so we have decided to stay at Beaumont's Breast Care Center with Dr. B and then my oncologist will be Dr. F from Karmanos. We have heard from numerous people that, "he is the best!" So that is very encouraging. The bad news was that he is booked solid and couldn't get me in until April 28. ugh! Heart sank again. I don't have time to wait that long. Well, my surgeon and the man upstairs pulled some strings and Dr. F is now going to squeeze me in on April 1, which is next Friday. Dr. B and Dr. F used to both work together at Karmanos and they both respect each other very much and continue to work very well together, so we feel like they will be a great team! Other members of my team are Nurse Linda- she is awesome and my mom loves her already - which says a lot since my mom has been a nurse for over 30+ years - she is a good judge of a great nurse! Heather is the nurse practitioner I first saw that referred me to get the ultrasound - she is young like me and super sweet and helpful. They have all given me their direct phone #'s and are always willing to talk and answer questions. I feel very comfortable in their hands. The rest of the day consisted with meeting with the genetic counselors. For those of you that don't know, the cancer history on my father's side of the family is nothing short of frightening. Out of 10 children, 6 have had cancer - and all but one has had more than one bout with it. This has always been a red flag for my doctors-even before this diagnosis. So, the genetics people wanted to go over every little detail of each family member all the way back to grand parents and their siblings. To say it was exhausting and terrifying to see it all on paper is an understatement. They took 5 vials of blood and will be completing tests to see if my breast cancer is the genetic form. This is important because not only is this information vital for my other family members, but it also impacts what my treatment might look like. If I have the genetic form (which I am guessing it is), there will be a 60% chance I will eventually get breast cancer on the left side. The likely course of treatment that I have decided upon if it's the genetic form, is a double mastectomy. Get rid of everything and get me as healthy as possible, for as long as possible! I am not worried about how I will look or if I have hair...I don't care about any of it. I just want to beat this and LIVE! This morning I had a CT scan of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis to see if this crap has spread to any of these places. If you are going to say any prayers, please direct them to this CT scan and pray that it shows NOTHING! I am so nervous about this test and I am praying so hard that this cancer has not invaded anywhere else. I should probably get the results Monday afternoon at the earliest. Monday morning I have an MRI of both breasts to see what else is going on in there, and I also have a biopsy of my right axillary (arm pit) lymph nodes. They are pretty sure the cancer has spread there already but let's hope it has stopped there. Then next Friday, I meet with Dr. F (oncologist @ Karmanos) for the first time and at that point we will have all the test results and can start figuring out a game plan. I will definitely have surgery, and definitely have chemo. Not sure which order or when but we all think things are going to be moving pretty fast from here on out. Who knows how much time we have already lost. I am looking forward to a fun weekend with friends and going to a photography workshop on Sunday called, "Babies, Babies, Babies" where we learn how to photograph newborns:) I am sure it will be the perfect distraction. I plan on heading back to work Tues, Wed, and Thursday and Mike is planning the same. Thank God we both have such supportive work environments that are making this as easy for us as possible. Well, I think that covers it for now! Sorry for being so long winded here but I really just want to get it all out there so everyone has all the details. Thank you again for all of your love, support and prayers. Keep us smiling and laughing - it really does help! xoxo, Meg A few things that made me smile today: my adorable pup who is cuddling more than ever - I swear, he knows his Momma is sick. And my tulips, they are coming up strong! love it and can't wait to get out in my garden soon! I bought this little pillow in a cute boutique while we were just visiting Seattle. "Life is Good...Enjoy the Little Things" |
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